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Shining Lakes Grove, ADF
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How To Be An SLG Druid In Ten Easy Songs
by Rob Henderson
SLG Fool Emeritus
(Note: Anyone who takes
this document seriously deserves what they get.)
Recently, a lot of folks have been calling me up on the phone, or sending me e-mail, and asking, "How do I become initiated as a Druid in your grove?" It usually takes many decades of hard work and study to become a member of Shining Lakes Grove. However, using the advanced learning techniques of punk rock (see The Application of Punk Rock in Learning, Lydon and Ritchie, 1977) we can teach you everything you need to know with parodies of ten Ramones songs. Ready? Begin.
The first thing you must do, of course, is decide to follow the Druid Path.
I Wanna Be a Druid
{Refrain}
Twenty-twenty-twenty more years to go
I wanna be a
Druid
So many gods and legends to know
I wanna be a Druid
Just get me to the circle, and put me in the rite
Hurry hurry
hurry, before I lose the Sight
I can't invoke at morning, I can't
invoke at night
Oh no oh oh oh oh
{Refrain}
Just put me in the circle, and give the rite to me
Hurry hurry
hurry, before I cannot see
I can't invoke the spirits, I can't
invoke the Tree
Oh no oh oh oh oh
Ba-ba-baba, baba-ba-baba, I wanna be a Druid (4x)
At our December holiday, Yule, we ask the sun to return to us from its winter home in the southern sky. I don't know why anyone would leave the south during winter and move north, but it always does. Go figure.
Celebrating Yule
Sha-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la-la Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Snow is falling, ice is forming
The sun is low in the sky
No more summer, no more autumn
It makes you want to cry
{refrain}
I ask the sun to come back and play
'Cause it's
really dark on the shortest day
It's so long, so long in the night
I wanna call on Bel and give him a rite, sha la-la-la-la
Sha-la-la-la sha-la-la-la-la-la (2x)
We were chanting, chanting, chanting, chanting in the dark
We
were dancing, dancing, dancing, dancing in the dark
(refrain)
Winter turns to summer, sadness turns to fun
Keep the faith,
baby, you brought back the sun!
Sha-la-la-la sha-la-la-la-la-la (2x)
Keep on chanting, chanting, chanting
I'm not being a fool
Keep on chanting, chanting, chanting
I'm celebrating Yule
(refrain)
Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, oh baby
(refrain)
I'm chanting, baby
I'm chanting, oh baby!
(refrain)
In February, we honor Brid (pronounced "breej"), our hearth goddess. We tried honoring the snow gods in February a few years ago, but when we realized how cold it was, we decided to do the ritual indoors right next to an oven. Much cozier!
Honor Bright Brid
Standin' in the kitchen when there ain't no sun
The hearth is
warm, it's time for fun.
She's the goddess we beseech
We can
do a rite to honor Bright Brid.
Up on the roof, out on the street
The snow is falling, it looks so neat
No leaves on the trees
We all love the feeling of community
All hail, honor Bright Brid (3x)
We can do a rite to honor Bright
Brid
Healers, Bards think she's a peach
They can do a rite to honor
Bright Brid
Metalsmiths want her to teach
They can do a rite
to honor Bright Brid
In March, we honor Ana, our land goddess. Many centuries ago, she gave up her life as a human to turn into a river. Turning into a river was pretty easy back in those days - now, you need to fill out all kinds of paperwork, get permission from the city council, it's just ridiculous!
Ana Is An Earth Mother
Well the land's all frozen up and covered with snow
There's snow
on the ground now
The plants aren't growing
And the people
have no food to keep them goin'
But she just wouldn't flee
She
had to cut the tree
And then the river came and swept her off
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Ana is an Earth Mother (3x)
Ana is an Earth mother now
Well she's an Earth Earth, an Earth mother
Earth Earth, an Earth
Mother (3x)
In May, Ana leaves her husband Lugh, and runs off with Aren, our god of beauty and lust. Then, they... um... you know. Don't make me say it.
Beltaine Bop
Hey ho, let's go! (4x)
They're dancing in a straight line
They're drinking up the May
Wine
The kids are losing their minds
The Beltaine Bop
They're boilin' like a sauna
It's Aren and Ana
They're
doin' what they wanna
The Beltaine Bop
Hey ho, let's go
Layin' out the green cloak
What they want,
I think I know
They're all steamed up and ready to go
At our June ritual, we try to convince Ana to return to Lugh. If she says "no", then she stays with Aren, while Lugh has to console himself with the latest issue of Playgod magazine. Meanwhile, we try to enjoy the sun.
Gimme Gimme Midsummer
I was feeling weird
I was losing my mind
I heard about
Midsummer
From a good friend of mine
He was always happy,
shiny and bright
He said he had a great time at the rite
Gimme gimme Midsummer (4x)
Peace and love is here to stay
And now today is the longest day
Sunny sunny sunny, all the time
Midsummer, I'm doing fine.
Gimme gimme Midsummer (3x) I want, I want Midsummer!
In August, we honor Lugh by getting all hot and sweaty, and taking a big long piece of wood and throwing it into the fertile ground, and... Say, you don't think this has anything to do with what happened at Midsummer, do you?
I Just Want To Give Honor To Lugh
Hurling haggis into the blue
Playing Hunker Hauser too
I
just want to challenge you
I just want to give honor to Lugh
Today, today, today (2x)
Set - Go!
Set - Go!
Practicing all by myself
'Cause I just want to beat everybody
else
I just want to challenge you
I just want to give honor to
Lugh
Today, today, today (4x)
In September, we honor the Stag God, the god of the untamed wilderness, by putting on antlers and prancing around like a bunch of drunken Morris Dancers. He usually responds by laughing at us and going away. We're still working on this one.
Stag God, Be With Me
Stag God, be with me (3x)
And meet me at the oak tree
(repeat)
I am a nature worshipper
The one the fundies despise
Stag
God, be with me
And let me look in your eyes
I am a nature worshipper
Love the critters and plants
Stag
God, be with me
We can sing and dance
Stag God, be with me (2x)
I like goin' on nature walks
It keeps me happy and sane
I'm
a nature worshipper
I've got the green in my brain
I am a Druid in the Grove
I am in the nemeton
Stag God, be
with me
I wanna play in the sun
Stag God, be with me (2x)
In November, we celebrate Samhain, by asking Mannanan to take us to the Otherworld so we can meet our dead ancestors. Make sure you keep your ticket stub with you at all times, you don't want to be left behind when we leave, otherwise you'll have a heck of a time explaining to your boss why you were late for work on Monday!
I Wanna Call Mannanan
On Samhain night,
I wanna call Mannanan
Sweet blessed dead,
I wanna call Mannanan
On the day I die, what will he say?
When he is my guide, what
will he say?
And so I wanna call Mannanan
And now that you know the stories of all of our holidays, you're ready to become a full-fledged Druid!
Rock 'n' Roll Druids
Well, I've been studying history
Rock rock, rock 'n' roll
Druids
And Celtic archaeology
Rock rock, rock 'n' roll
Druids
I just want a robe of white
I just wanna lead a rite
Rock
rock, rock rock, rock 'n' roll Druids
Well the gods we have knock me out, you know
Rock rock, rock
'n' roll Druids
Helpin' our hearts and minds to grow
Rock
rock, rock 'n' roll Druids
The Seers and the Bards are really cool
You can even become the
King of Fools
Rock rock, rock rock, rock 'n' roll Druids (3x)
Fun fun, rock 'n' roll Druids (3x)
Fun fun, oh baby
Fun
fun, oh baby, fun fun (fun fun)
Rock rock, rock rock, rock 'n' roll
Druids
And there you have it - everything you need to know to become a Druid! Except for one problem: Everything I said here was a lie. Except for that. And that. And the parts that were true.
Rob Henderson
robh@cyberspace.org
http://www.msen.com/~robh/slg/
for those who want to learn about our real rituals
(For the curious, the songs parodied here are, in order:
All of which are by the Ramones, and if you're really into self-torture, you might even get Rob to sing some of them for you, if you don't know the tunes.)